Thursday, August 4, 2016

About falling in love and what to do when he doesn't call you back



This is a revised reprint of a previous blog entry, at the urgent request of someone who says she needs reminding about what to do when a guy doesn't call back.

The other day I had lunch with an old friend.

The first thing she said when we sat down was this: "I read your blog the other day and it's really true. We're always saying how we women are so independent, and we don't need guys to make our lives better. But actually we really need guys. They do make our lives better."




"I actually didn't say that," I replied. "Someone else did, and I just quoted her."

She shrugged. "Whatever," she said. "But anyway, it's really true. I need a guy."

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WHAT TO DO 
WHEN HE DOESN'T CALL BACK.
NOTHING.

Then she added: "In fact, I'm dying, because this guy won't call me back. What do I do?"

I've heard this lots of times from girls before.

And each time someone asks me for advice on something like this, I always say the same thing: "Do absolutely nothing, please."  

At least nothing, with regards to him. But go get a life please, and preferably the kind of life that will make him wish he was with you.



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In this case, apparently they'd had four or five dinner dates and everything had been fine.

He'd called her everyday and had long, flirty conversations -- the kind of conversations some guys like to indulge in with you, that make you almost feel like it is actually leading somewhere.

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What they can't bring up the courage to tell you is that they never plan on taking this to the next level because there is no next level. And this is just something you have to figure out yourself -- the sooner the better. 

Yes, she was just about to start writing out L-O-V-E in her diary, when he disappeared into thin air.



THREE SIMPLE REASONS FOR GUYS NOT CALLING BACK

And just like everyone else before her, this friend replied with a mixture of shock and horror, when she asked me what to do and I told her to "do nothing."

"What? Do nothing? Absolutely nothing?" She exclaimed.

I nodded. I hate to have to break the bad news to my friends, about what NOT to do when a guy doesn't call back, but it's always got to be done.




I said: "Life's not that complicated. He's not calling you because he's either playing mind games or else he's a serial flirt who's just after the thrill of a chase, and he's probably chasing five women at the time and you're just one of them."

Then I added: "Or he's very busy, or you're just too low on his priority list."

She looked so unhappy. Obviously, she didn't like the sound of any of this.



I continued: "If he's just a serial flirt or if he's playing mind games with you, you're better off without him, even if you so don't think so now. It hurts now, but it'll actually kill you if continue in a pseudo-relationship with a serial flirt or a player."

Then I added: "If he's just busy, then he'll probably call you when he frees up. And if you're that low on his priority list that he's not calling you back, well, there's nothing you can really do about that."

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HOW TO MAKE HIM CHANGE HIS MIND

She asked: "Can't I call him myself and make him change his mind?"

I never usually advise my friends to do this unless their sanity is actually at stake.

She took out her mobile phone, got his number out on her directory so it was in my full view, and said: "What's wrong with my calling him? I so want to hear his voice. In fact, I'm dying to hear his voice."

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NO STOPPING A DETERMINED WOMAN

If a girl is determined to call a guy, what's the use of stopping her?

So I sighed and said: "If it'll make you feel better or give you peace of mind, then go ahead and call him. But please remember that I usually tell my friends to avoid calling the guy, even if they want to. And to sit on their hands or throw their mobile phones away if they have to."

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Or better yet, do something productive, work harder, or go out and have some fun

In other words, get a life and stop thinking about him. Because he's obviously not thinking about you, either.


2013 ISN'T THE VICTORIAN AGE



Thankfully, this friend put her phone away.

While she was doing so, she asked: "What's wrong with calling a guy anyway? It's 2016, not the Victorian age."

I had to agree. It is the modern age. But some things just don't change, IMHO.

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MARTYRDOM IS SO LAST CENTURY.
AND SO ARE ONE-WAY RELATIONSHIPS.

Like the unattractiveness of martydom in women, when it comes to guys.

I said to her: "Please banish the idea of martyrdom from your consciousness. With the exception of the religious, I have yet to meet a woman attractive to men because of a martyr complex. If he's not doing anything to want to be around you, make sure you're nowhere near him either."




Then I added, careful not to hurt her feelings: "Guys who need you to remind them of your existence should be put on the back burner. If they wake up one day realizing how fantastic you are and start calling you again, that's wonderful. But if you actually need to convince him of how great you are, that's not really a good deal for you."

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Then I added for emphasis, something that I really think should belong in the book containing the universal rules of human relations: "Someone who doesn't focus on you shouldn't be the focus of your attentions. Get yourself someone who knows how to work a two-way street. Unless you plan to live life a saint for the rest of your life."

She paused for a few minutes to digest what this meant. Then, finally, she said: "That bad, huh?"

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THE REALITY OF LIFE

I shrugged and said: "It's not bad. It's just reality. Not everyone you like will like you back, unfortunately, and it's no one's fault if they don't like you."

Yes, it's terribly unfortunate for everyone, but that's how it works. Some people you're madly in love with will never ever like you back.

Then I continued: "You can't force people to like you or to call you. They either feel enough for you to continue the contact, or they don't. And if they don't, there'll be someone else who will..."

And that's how another interesting lunch ended, in my never-ending, and never-endingly eventful Travelife.

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