Friday, January 9, 2015

Lessons on narcissism and learning about the five languages of love



Tonight, at home in Asia but still living a Travelife, some good friends came over for dinner, ostensibly to discuss a ski trip this February.

There was so much traffic in the city and so I ended up getting home at 7 PM for a dinner starting at 730 PM.

This meant I literally had 30 minutes to cook and get my act together.

30 MINUTES TO COOK,
AND 10 MINUTES TO DISCUSS A SKI TRIP



Somehow, everything turned out well, although not as perfectly as I wanted, as 30 minutes just isn't enough time to prepare dinner for friends.

We ended up talking about the ski trip for about 10 minutes, and then discussing everything else under the sun for the rest of the evening.

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THE TRAGEDY OF NARCISSISM

One of the topics was narcissism.

A lot has been written about narcissists, and almost everything is downright negative as narcissists do hurt a lot of people with their seeming callousness and extreme selfishness. 

Personally, I think they're to be pitied, because they're essentially good people with a lot of weaknesses based usually on childhood trauma. 



So they're just acting out their deep-seated hurts and pains without knowing it.

Also, they usually maintain a big distance between themselves and others, and also between themselves and life, so they're missing out on so much in life and they don't even realise it.

Most narcissists will never admit it, too, but they are deeply unhappy and always dissatisfied without really knowing why.

YOU CAN'T FIX A FULL-BLOWN NARCISSIST



Lots of people who become attracted to narcissists think they can fix a narcissist with love and patience -- the way one would buy a broken down house as a fixer-upper, I suppose.

Chances are, this is never going to happen, and the narcissist will end up fixing you up for good instead, so that you have a negative image of yourself and very little confidence left at the end of it all.

There's very little chance of a happy ending here.

RUN AWAY FROM A NARCISSIST
WHILE YOU CAN



So my personal advice to people who ask me about narcissists -- and I just had a very long conversation on an airplane with someone about this topic, in fact -- is to stay away from full-blown narcissists because this kind of narcissism is incurable.

You will never get what you need or want from them, as in a healthy and normal relationship. It'll always be a one-way relationship, pointing in their direction, with you as an accessory as long as you are useful to them in some way.

And I don't know too many people who would be okay with that kind of relationship. It's sad but true, and this is one of the things we discussed tonight.

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THE LANGUAGES OF LOVE

The other enlightening topic we discussed was about the five languages of love.

Every person, you see, has a "language of love" -- which means a way of feeling love from their significant other. In the same way, every person has a "language of love" for expressing their love for their significant other.

Some of the languages of love include time, material gifts, verbal expressions, physical expressions and doing acts of kindness.

DECODING SOMEONE'S LOVE LANGUAGE



Every person has a language by which they decode whether they are being loved or not, and also a language by which they express their own love.

Oftentimes, this is the same thing, but sometimes it isn't.

For example, person A might feel loved by her husband if she received gifts from him constantly. In turn, she might show her affection for someone like her husband or her family by also giving them gifts.

THE GREAT DISCONNECT



Many relationships take a turn for the worse not because two people are bad, but because there's a disconnect between their languages of love and they don't realise it.

One person may want gifts as expressions of love, while that person's significant other might choose spending time together as a way to express love.

This disconnect may result in dissatisfaction among the persons concerned, as in one of them not feeling loved enough and another one not feeling appreciated enough.

THINKING ABOUT THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE



It was so interesting to talk about this, and it prompted me to think about the language of love most important to me.

Until that point tonight, I hadn't really thought about it much, although I know that the giving of gifts, for instance, doesn't really do anything for me.

"One down, and four more to choose from," I said to my friends, who tried to help me figure myself out, as they already seemed to know their languages of love. I was the only one still in the dark about my language of love, you see.



"Do you like getting expressions of love?" One of them asked helpfully, meaning receiving a card, for example, that is full of emotions like a Hallmark card.

I nodded my head in the negative. That wasn't it either.

TWO DOWN, THREE MORE TO GO.
AND NO ANSWERS YET.

Two down and three more to go, and I wasn't about to come up with the right answer from the remaining three just then, although I have a feeling that "time" will win out in the end.

Yes, I guess I feel loved if someone is willing to spend time with me -- and perhaps even join me, on a never-ending, and never-endingly eventful Travelife.

And wouldn't that be ever so appropriate for a language of love in a never-ending Travelife?



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